She's Just a Little Girl, Or, Raising them Up Right

Girls.  Those of us who are moms of girls have a tough job ahead of us, and here in the fish pond we are only at the beginning.  Trout is turning 7 tomorrow, and I think now is a good time to ask about how other moms who have been here before me have handled some situations that have come up recently.

First, touching.  Recently Trout has come home from school talking about how she and a boy from her class have been spanking each other.  When I talked to her about how that isn't appropriate, and that it's okay to tell someone when they are doing something that makes you uncomfortable, she responded that she didn't mind, and when I suggested that the boy in question may have a problem with it, she responded "Actually, I think he quite likes it, Mommy."  I was speechless for a bit (where the hell did she hear THAT phrase??), then I just told her it was inappropriate and I didn't want her to do it anymore.

We have another component to the touching issue that has recently surfaced, too.  In the household that I grew up in, we were a very open-door, touchy feely kinda family, with everyone well aware of what everyone else looked like naked, the nature of bathroom habits, and little modesty, until I turned about 14, I think, and then I was the one who imposed limits - my parents NEVER had any (still don't - we have to remind my father when he visits us to shut the door when he goes to the bathroom).  We also were a kiss on the lips, big squishy hug kinda family, even as adults (i.e., my grandmother kissed us adult kids on our lips, etc.).  BigDaddyFish's family was NOT like this - still isn't really very huggy or kissy at all.  I am not sure if this is because my family was primarily girls whereas BDF's family is more of an even mix, but it is what it is.

As I've become a parent, I have become more and more uncomfortable with certain kinds of my family touching and attitudes about our bodies.  While I very much think it is important to be comfortable in my own skin and teach my children how to be comfortable in theirs, I have NO IDEA how to go about teaching that and at the same time instill both a healthy level of modesty and important values about touching and how to stay safe.  We've been doing a hybrid open door policy in the bathroom; the kids have all been in the bathroom with BDF and I as we did our thing; I think that's an integral part of potty training.  They've also showered/bathed with us.  But we have hit a cut-off point for certain things; Trout can only shower with me, not her father, and Little Man can only shower with Daddy.  Sunny can still pick, as she's too little yet for any of these issues to apply.  We now have a closed-door bathroom policy, but doors are not locked (except for mom and dad) in case someone has a problem and we need to get in to help them.

My father used to sleep in the nude (still does, but since I don't live with him, I no longer care).  Once I hit about 14 I became real uncomfortable with this, and I stopped inviting friends to spend the night at my house after one night when my father made a midnight run to the kitchen for a glass of milk in the middle of the night clad in only his not-well-tied bathrobe and a friend of mine who was spending the night saw him.  He never once understood why that might be inappropriate or might make someone uncomfortable.  He also was/is a kiss on the lips kinda guy, and while I have become adept at turning my head at the last second so that kisses land on cheeks and going for cheeks myself, I know this has made more than one cousin in the past uncomfortable, too.

So where the hell am I going with this?  Well, I now have a 7 year old little girl.  I want her to have healthy views about sexuality.  I want her to be able to interact with my family and with others in life and be secure enough in herself to stand up for herself when something makes her uncomfortable.  I want to try to make sure she is uncomfortable with things that SHOULD make her uncomfortable.  I want to give her the tools she needs to protect herself from sexual predators, whether they come from outside or God forbid, within the family (and no, I'm not saying that I think my dad's a sexual predator, just a dirty old man who was never taught any better; but at the same time I am fully aware that most sexual abuse comes from someone known and trusted by the victim, rather than strangers).

I have no clue how to do that.

The time has come for discussion about some of these things.  She's asked questions about where babies come from, or more particularly, how the baby got in me.  I have a book for this.  I don't have a book for how to teach kids to set reasonable limits about themselves and their bodies and to stand up for those limits.  In this sexualized culture that we have, with Britney Spears tartwear the style of the day, even for 7 year olds, and Bratz dolls and Disney MyScene dolls and the like all promoting completely inappropriate ideals for what a little girl should be/aspire to, how the hell do I teach my daughters (and sons for that matter) what IS appropriate?

How do I give them the tools they need to protect themselves?  How do I teach them to be able to identify things that are inappropriate when they don't make them uncomfortable, but should?  How the hell do I explain to my 7 year old why the low-rise flare leg sweatpants with "Sweet" across the ass are inappropriate when all she sees is that they are pink and purple and those are her favorite colors and she is, in fact, a sweet kid, without just laying down the law and being the mean mommy and forbidding them?  She needs to know why they are inappropriate for a 7 year old (or, frankly, anyone with any self respect) so she can make those judgments herself later.  How do I teach them that self respect?

How?  I just don't know.

You can go to an update with some great advice from Ree, here.

Comments

[Jessie]

You just do. You just be honest, and explain to her that not everyone in this world is a good person. You be completley honest, and you tell her that people out there do want to hurt her, and that at her age, anyone who does this or that is a bad person, ya know? Keep the conversation open and explain to her that when shes older, she will know the difference between whats right and whats wrong, but for now she needs to know what and why. Thats my take anyway

[Theresa]

I agree with Jessie. You just teach them by example, and by having age appropriate discussions. That spanking you discussed, I'd simply tell her that it's not right. There's no reason to discuss why at her age. That sort of thing comes later. But at her age, she does need to know the difference between good touches and bad touches, and I would encourage her to assert herself in that regard.

At my house, the girls learned about sex by age 7 (the basics), and talks about related issues happen regularly. It isn't easy, but just follow your instincts, and trust that they will learn the right stuff from you.

[Kimba]

As the mother of a 12 year old daughter, I know where you are coming from. My advice is to begin by understanding that children don't see things as having the sexual nature to them that we do...and rightfully so. They don't need to know the details at 7 of most things, only that there is right and wrong...believe me the reasons will come later, and they'll get it. Better to say "who wants their butt to look like a giant sign?" or "your privates are your privates, so keep the door closed" explains so much to them. You'll know what works with each of your kids as they grow!

[Izzy]

I'm grappling with these sort of things, too.

I wish I knew the answers.

[Carmen]

You just tell her, exactly like you told us. It's your family values, and it's best for her to hear honestly from you why it's not appropriate for her to wear those things.

[Marina]

Look at kidpower.org they run workshops for children as young as 4 up to teens to teach them techniques for protecting their boundaries, from people close to them as well as strangers. The techniques are very accessible and effective, for example, building a fence in front of yourself with your hands and saying "No!" They even have an exercise about getting your mom's attention when she is busy on her computer! They manage to do it in a very positive, not scary way. I've taken both of my boys at ages 5 and 7 to them and will again as they only seem to be able to take in so much each time. I really recommend them.

[Kvetch]

If you integrate your lessons into everyday life, they will be natural to your kids. Not everyone needs a sit-down book lesson for things that make it all seem extraordinary. It's just part of life. I intentionally started saying "No means No" to my son when he was little, and needed to be told no. I have tried to pass along to him, as a male child, that when someone (anyone) says no, you have to respect that. No matter what. I also think that at 7, your daughter doesn't need too much explanation. It burdens them. The spanking? That's wrong and she's not allowed to play that game. Why? Because it's not nice to hit people or be hit and it's just not permitted. Tell her to blame it on you. Chances are its innocent - but she will remember the generic lesson for a long time. Keeping calm is key as well I think, unless someone is in imminent danger.

[Deb]

Hey! Over from Kristen's and wanted to add a little twist that I don't see here. I have 4 kids from ages 17 to 3, three girls and a boy.
Everything here is wonderful and how thoughtful of Ree to spend so much time. I think the basic idea of an ongoing dialogue is perfect and what we do. Answer their questions but don't go into more detail than they want to know yet. Our sex talk literally took years and is still happening. At first they just want to know about babies and how the heck they get out!
I also think it is important to teach them self respect esp girls so not only is it not ok to wear that belly shirt b/c there are bad people out there but more b/c you want to be looked at and known and valued for your SELF, your whole self, not just a body. Your brains and ability to solve a problem and make great choices, are all part of that dialogue too. I really worry sometimes that parents scare the hell outa kids without meaning to. I believe what we give energy to grows so I would rather keep in mind the growing of the self respect and self esteem vs the growing of the fear.
It works out in the long run, truly it does. The idea is that no matter what they can tell you ANYTHING without you getting angry/freaking out! I always tell my kids I might freak out AFTER whatever it is, but when they tell me it will always be OK.
Nakedness at home is the same, ours is according to whatever each individuals comfort level. dh and i are nudies and my teen dd makes gagging noises when she accidently walks by so we close the door or she leaves if dh comes out in his undies. No one minds seeing me naked b/c I am the mama and always been practically naked for nursing etc! LOL My girls are naked at all home constantly but know that Nana is uncomfortable and prefers they leave on their panties, etc.