She's Just a Little Girl - Update

Wow!  Thanks Kristen, for your mention of this issue on your site, and for all of you who have graciously given those of us struggling with this the benefit of your wisdom and experience.  This is by far the biggest issue that has come up for me as a parent.  With my weird family experience and BigDaddyFish coming from nearly the opposite side, we feel ill equipped to teach our children to be healthy and protect them at the same time.

I wanted to share with you a long email that Ree sent to me about this, because I think it gives good tools to do just that - teach them to be healthy and protect themselves at the same time:

Whew. Raising girls is tricky, particularly in the world in which we now live. I'm really with you in terms of appropriate dress for little girls. I determined very early on---mostly as a result of seeing the Bratz dolls (which I hate!) and the pop singer-types on Nickelodeon---that my daughters simply won't be wearing belly-baring tops, low slung jeans, or tight clothes. My two primary reasons are 1.They have plenty of years ahead of them to look and act like adults. While they're children, they're going to look like children, not miniature versions of hip women. and 2.I pretty much assume child predators are everywhere, and I believe the sexualization of little girls in our country has made the problem explode. Lip gloss, glitter eye shadow, pants with writing on the bottom...they all draw attention to the body/face/looks of children, who are supposed to be in a NONsexual phase of their lives.

So. Once I determined that, I began VERY subtly making comments whenever I'd see a child dressed inappropriately on TV: I'd say, "Hmmm...she'd look so much cuter if she weren't showing her belly button, wouldn't she?" and "I wish her pants weren't so tight because she looks a little too grown up, doesn't she?" I was careful not to say anything with an air of judgment or harsh criticism...AND I'd always add the "wouldn't she?" on the end to engage the girls in discussion. After this went on for awhile, I actually overheard my older daughter---probably 6 at the time---say, "Look, Paige...she would look so much better if her shirt were longer...wouldn't she?" It was a triumph!

Also, I should tell you (in case you weren't aware) that we homeschool our kids. We started it solely for academic reasons, because the only school available to us was not a good performer. But four years into it, with a 4th and a 1st grade daughter, we are very acutely aware of how much of that fashion/glamour influence we don't really have to deal with on a day to day basis. The girls like to look nice, but they're content with loose fitting jeans and a cool shirt. They really don't gravitate toward the hip hugging styles, partly because I indoctrinated them so early about what did and what did not look good, and partly because they know the answer would be no.

And on that note, I really try to balance the "because I said so" approach with "here's why I said no" approach. Both are important. I think it has to be clear to children that your word is final. We parents are adults and thus have a greater range of life experience, and there are just some decisions that are not open for debate. However, I think it's equally important to explain the heart of your rules, so the kids understand not only the concrete rule, but also the abstract subtleties of the rule itself.

Gosh. I could go on all day. I think the family habits/rules about nakedness and kissing, etc., are just so individual. I think you have to be careful not to make too big a deal out of family/household nudity...I think some parents are so afraid of it, they actually put more emphasis on it than is necessary, and can actually put negative ideas about nudity into their kids' head. It's complicated.

About the schoolyard touching/playing. Keep in mind that kids will be kids, and spanking between a couple of seven year olds, who probably have never had a sexual thought in their lives, should[n't] give you too much concern. Though I'm with you, I think you probably should tell Trout that there are more constructive, productive ways to have fun with your friends, and in your mind, spanking doesn't really serve any purpose. :)

Overall, tell her that you value her, her dad values her, and God values her (if that fits into your religious background). She is a human being, and a completely special, unique human being at that. And you want others to value her just the same...and tell her if you want others to value you, you have to act as though you value yourself. That means being kind to others, being interested in the world (learning/educating yourself), and looking like you take care of yourself. Dressing glittery and sexy really doesn't tell anyone much about you except that you value the wrong things in life.

Some of that might be a little advanced for a seven year old, but it's never too early to start planting seeds. When they're in school, you really have to fight to keep up with the influences they're receiving elsewhere, and that means having a CONSTANT---but productive---dialogue.

I'll end with this: I think it might be a scripture---in fact, I know it is---thought I couldn't begin to tell you who said it or where. "Be in the world, not of the world." No matter what your faith situation, I think this line is very helpful when trying to figure out how to raise your children. Just because they're among all the other kids doesn't mean the other kids' habits and preferences have to take over. They can be creative, confident children without being swallowed up by the way everyone else is doing things.

Thank you, Ree, for taking the time to put so much detail into your response; it's a great addition to the already great ideas provided by everyone else.  We've already begun using some of this in our house, as my birthday present to Trout is to take her shopping, and what she wants is a new outfit entirely of her own choosing.  I've laid out that she can have this as long as what she chooses is appropriate for a 7 year old girl, and we've begun the dialogue of what that means.  I'm looking forward to the trip.

And let's remember our boys, because they need all this, too, plus, as Kvetch said, "No means no."  I want my sons to grow into healthy, strong men who respect women.  They also need to be kept safe - I will be posting about a scary situation that happened this past weekend at the mall later this week, unless I go have a baby or something.

(sorry about the odd formatting - can't figure out how to fix it - will keep working on it)

Comments

[JB]

Delurking to say: I hope when my 14-month old grows old enough to say to me "I want to look like a model" I will be able to find this linked to here http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/.

I think it does an amazing job of showing how IMPOSSIBLE the beauty standard is. No plastic surgery will ever be able to elongate necks and bigger-ize eyeballs.

[Jenny]

Nicely put!

I guess in the end it's really all about communication with your child.

[Her Bad Mother]

This is such a wonderfully thoughtful and sensitive post on this issue, and I'm so glad that Kristen highlighted it. I'll be bookmarking it for later reference.