The Fish Pond: 2007 Gunfighter Awards

Since I am all about award shows, I thought that I should host one of my own. I figure that if the dopes in Hollywood can put one on, I can too... and for a lot less money.

The Gunfighter award is different than the awards that Hollywood tends to throw at each other. I may give an award for best actor or actress, but it will be based on what I think... even if I didn't see the movie. You see where I am going, right? Like most things I blog about, this is just going to be the thoughts that come out of my little' ol Gunfighter brain.

The only downside to THIS award show is that there will be no spectacularly bad dresses or tuxedos on the red carpet. On the good side, you don't have to see, hear, or even imagine anything about Ryan Seacrest.

Our first award is Villain of The Year:

Several people come to mind for this dubious award, but I am going to limit this to a person that I believe to be the most heinous guy in the American public is none other than Michael Vick. You remember Mr Vick, I'm certain... the star quarterback for the National Football League's Atlanta Falcons? Yeah, that's the guy. Mr Vick, also known as No-Friend-Of-Man's-Best-Friend, was convicted on federal charges of animal cruelty stemming from a dog fighting operation that he ran on his Virginia property.

I have Mentioned Michael Vick in my blog in the recent past, but I can't ignore someone who has such an incredibly screwed up disconnect from right and wrong, that he would dispassionately kill a dog by hanging it by the neck. Someone needs to give Michael Vick a history lesson about hanging innocents.

Don't-You-have-Better Sense Than That?

This award is for conspicuous bad judgement from someone that we SHOULD have reason to believe is capable of much better judgement. This year's award goes to Senator Larry Craig, Republican of Idaho, for soliciting sex in a Minnesota airport men's room. I mean, really, how stupid is that? Senator Craig, by all report's is a loving family man, and a Conservative defender of American freedom, liberty, and values. I am sure that all of that is true. I am further certain that you have a hard time demonstrating said values by cruising for gay sex in a men's room! No... I don't give a rabid rat's ass about Craig's sexuality... but I don't like hypocrites. Neither do I particularly like members of the Senate to be convicted criminals. There is something wrong here... if I were convicted of the same thing, I couldn't get a job in say.... law enforcement. I probably couldn't even get into the Army... even with the new relaxed enlistment criteria. Don't you think a man that has accomplished enough in his life to get himself elected to the U.S. Senate would have better sense?

American Hero of the Year:

This award is for conspicuous bravery in the face of incredible scorn and hostility. For braving antipathy, invasion of privacy and loss of livelihood in order to do the right thing, at great personal cost. The two recipients of this year's American Hero awards are the two senior investigative officers in the Office of the Inspector General at the United States Department of State.

When the disgraced Inspector General "Cookie" Krongard finally announced his resignation, which takes effect in mid-January, he left behind a wrecked investigative unit that tried to investigate fraud and malfeasance in the construction of the new American embassies in Kuwait and Baghdad. Krongard intentionally blocked efforts to uncover criminal activity, and then, under oath, denied that he knew that his brother was on the board of Directors of Blackwater, USA... and I don't think I have to tell you about them and their involvement with the State Department. So, there you are, the 2007 American hero of the Year is jointly awarded to the two Senior Criminal Investigators whose names I won't mention.

Best Movie of The Year:

High School Musical 2. Sure, some people will laugh at the selection of that film, but I think it is deserving. When everyone and there brother are making films in which legions of people are shot, beheaded, sawn in half or engaging in questionable personal habits, isn't it nice that a movie is made... and is incredibly successful, that has no profanity, no gratuitous nudity or sex, and no violence. The the movie is also kind of a cute story with good music is just icing on the cake. High School Musical 2 is a family movie, it's time to embrace that concept again.

Unintentional Starting Of A New Catchphrase:

Andrew Meyer, the University of south Florida student who was Tased during his disorderly conduct arrest during a political event. Meyer was repeatedly warned during his resistance to arrest, and shortly before being tased, he shouted "During tase me, bro!". Now, I am sure that many of you well-read and learned folks knew about this already, but I have to tell you that I never heard about this until 10 A.M. yesterday. When I got back to the hotel, after eating pizza from Pizza Hut, and Googled the phrase... the response was amazing. If you go to YouTube and search for "Don't Tase me, Bro!" and you will find all sorts of musical videos that incorporate the phrase... this one one is particularly funny.

Least-Talented Entertainer:

It's got to be Kid Rock. There just isn't anything else to say... unless you say Jessica Simpson.

Unlamented Dead Celebrity:

Jerry Falwell, hands-down.

Least Deserving Republican Presidential Candidate:

All of them... their party thinks that invading Iraq was a good idea. They can't be trusted with the responsibility of running our government.

Least Deserving Democratic Presidential Candidate:

Hillary Clinton... for the same reason as the Republican candidates, and for running, through her senior staff and surrogates a racist campaign.

Most Deserving Presidential candidate:

Dennis Kucinich. Too bad most people won't listen to him.

Biggest Crackpot Presidential Candidate:

Ron Paul. Sure he sounds reasonable, but dig a little deeper. He's a crackpot, sure enough.

Best Impression of Leonid Brezhnev (or Frankenstein)

Dick Clark, for his continued appearance on New Year's Rockin' Eve! For God's sake, Dick, give it up.

Hottest Chick In Hollywood:

Salma Hayek. Lord have mercy.

The Worst Lawyer In America:

Alberto Gonzalez. Hey, 'Berto, you are supposed to UPHOLD the law when you are attorney general... not break it or twist it to suit your master's illegal purposes.

The Best Beer In America:

Stone Imperial Stout

The Best Bead Store in Virginia

More Than Just beads, New Town, Williamsburg, Virginia

Ok, that's enough awards for tonight... I have to go to sleep.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Oh, and thanks for hosting me, once again, Fishy Girl!

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Gunfighter is a firearms instructor for a federal law enforcement agency, and lives, with his family, in Northern Virginia. When he isn't blogging, he can be found teaching Sunday school, and doing a bajillion other things that husbands and dads normally do. He regularly blogs at The View From Here.

Comments

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Thanks for coming by, GunFighter, and putting forth another of your great posts, especially when myself and so many of our fellow exchangers stayed up too late last night celebrating a bit too much.

Posted by: FishyGirl | January 01, 2008 at 12:35 PM

Anytime, Fishy... sorry to put yours up a few hours late, but I was on the road shortly after you emailed me... We are home, now, and your poast is up!

Posted by: Gunfighter | January 01, 2008 at 04:06 PM

Seriously, Dick Clark looked positively animatronic last night. Scary.

Posted by: mayberry | January 01, 2008 at 09:25 PM

the first two are my favorite, but you hit a lot of them on the mark here. i have to admit to having never seen anything of high school musical, though. :)

Posted by: Lara | January 01, 2008 at 09:37 PM