The Fish Pond

DC in January the Global Warming Edition

The view on my temperature gauge thingy in the van today as I did errands. 71 degrees. In January.

(one day, I'll figure out how to format things properly; until then, sorry)

Tell Us How You REALLY Feel

Yesterday was a particularly hard day here in the Fish Pond, and Sunny was at the root of all of it. She didn't want to wait for me to be ready to take the Christmas tree down and so she started pulling off the ornaments and stacking them in a bucket, which would be fine, except some of them are glass, that really thin glass more fragile than egg shells, and they broke. That wasn't enough for her, and she kept pulling ornaments off and putting them in the bucket, and somehow she threw the balance off on the tree, which was tall and skinny unlike our typical short and fat trees, causing the whole thing to come crashing down in a hail of flying needles and shards of glass. All told only a handful of ornaments broke, but Trout had a screaming crying meltdown because one of them was a hummingbird ornament that she likes. I think I can fix it most of the way; the wings broke off cleanly, and we found a big piece of the beak. We couldn't find a couple of smaller chips from the beak, but a sharpie should fix that up enough that it won't be noticable unless you are handling it. Thankfully, no one got cut or hurt from the tree falling over.

You'd think that'd be enough excitement for one day, but you'd be wrong.

Sunny had been begging me to take her to Trader Joe's, and we needed a bunch of stuff anyway, so I packed up her and Nemo and we went to Trader Joe's. I typically love to go there and the people there are so kind and friendly, but it was Sunday and it was crowded and Sunny was being a pill. Nemo was in the cart and their carts are kinda small, so I didn't put Sunny in the back of the cart like I do sometimes, and she had to walk. She kept trying to push the cart, and after a near miss or two of her crashing into other patrons I kept reminding her "Mommy pushes the cart, and Sunny walks next to Mommy." Over and over, that was my mantra. I had picked about three things and put them in the cart, and Sunny kept trying to pull and spin the cart, and we have documented that I AM NOT SMART about these things, and also documented my lack of height, so at one point I had to let go of the cart with both hands and stretch up to my tippy toes to reach something on the top shelf. You see this coming, right? One day I'll learn.

Sunny attempted to climb the side of the shopping cart and in doing so tipped it over sideways, on top of her legs. She screamed, Nemo screamed, I nearly passed out. One kind man helped us right the cart, out of which Nemo was attempting to climb as fast as he could but he was strapped in with the seat belt (THANK GOD I USE THE SEAT BELT) and he couldn't get out. I got him out quickly and he continued to scream while I looked him over, I honestly don't think he got hit with anything or hit himself on anything - I think it just scared the crap out of him (you and me both, kid). Sunny was bruised up on her legs, but nothing else, but we didn't really know that for a while because she had tights on and wouldn't let me pull them down to look. I sat on the floor in the middle of Trader Joe's meat department holding two screaming kids in my lap while no fewer than 15 people walked past me and didn't even look at me. Not a single person offered to help.

I did get them calmed down enough to finish the shopping, but I didn't stop shaking until a good hour later. Of course, maybe ten minutes later, deeper into the store, people started talking to the kids and flirting with them and being nice again. I sure could have used that help when they were hurt and scared and needed comforting.

When we got home it took a while to get everything unpacked and put away, and eventually it dawned on me that Nemo hadn't nursed since morning and I hadn't eaten anything but a carton of yogurt all day, so I made myself some quick oatmeal with bananas and sat down on the couch to inhale it snarf it eat it, and Nemo tried to climb up into my lap. I begged off so I could finish eating, and fortunately the grandparents were there to distract entertain him, so I actually was able to eat my oatmeal while it was still room temperature. When I was done I looked at Nemo and said "Do you want nummies?" and he practically pulled me off the couch in his effort to climb up me, shouting "YAY!"

I didn't know he knew that word, but it was the nicest part of the day. Guess he won't be weaning any time soon.

-----------------------------------

Don't forget about my contest - you have until tomorrow evening to make your guesses. No one is anywhere close yet.

Contest Update: Now With Hints!

So far, no one has gotten it right, though I love all the ideas; going through all of those was pretty much the thought process we went through to try and find it. So, here are the hints, and remember, the most accurate AND the most creative will get prizes.

1. It was IN the house.
2. It was in a place I had already looked, but down so deep it couldn't be seen.
3. It was in a place that has a cover on it.
4. It was in a place that when I retrieved it, I had to put my arm in it all the way up to my shoulder.
5. Remember, I want your guesses on WHO put it there and WHEN I found it, too.

So have at it. I need a laugh, because I almost cried when I found it, and trying to dig out from the mess caused when all the kids are at home with no viable means of transportation for almost two full weeks is making me crazy. They've been back at school since Wednesday, but the house won't be in order for probably one more week.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot, I'll give you until Tuesday evening at 5 to get your guesses in, and I will announce the winners Wednesday morning.

In the words of Hugh Neutron, haaaave fun with it!

Contest Time! Or, The Mystery of the Missing Remote

About two weeks before Christmas, we somehow lost the remote to our home theater system, which includes our DVD. Mostly this wasn't a big deal, because we could still play our DVDs, but we couldn't access any features that we had to use the menu to navigate to, because we couldn't get the cursor to move. So if, for example, Nemo pressed the buttons on the theater system, as he is wont to do, and happened to cause the movie to stop and the disc to come out, we couldn't just restart the movie where it left off, we had to go back to the beginning. It was so bad that we watched a movie in our van on Saturday, because we could. Trout got a Scene It! game for Christmas, and she couldn't play it without our remote.

So over the weekend, mostly Sunday, we turned the house inside out looking for the damned remote. We decided someone must have removed it from the house, because we looked in all the key places the kids usually hide the remote: in the storage bins we store the toys in, behind the cushions in the couch, on the stairs to the basement, inside the Pack and Play, inside all the toys it could possibly be hidden inside, under all the furniture, behind the table the TV sits on, in the back of the toilet, under their beds, in everyone's shoes. Everywhere. No remote. So, we did what any normal family would do under the circumstances: we gave up and bought a new remote.

Monday morning, I ordered it directly from the Panasonic website, who, in an extraordinary fit of superb customer service, shipped it Monday. Here's the contest part:

When and where did I find the remote, and which child put it there? Uncle Orca is not permitted to answer, nor is he allowed to give hints as to where it was. Leave your guesses in the comments. Both the most accurate and the most creative will get prizes, your choice of a $20 Amazon gift card or the remote to a Panasonic home theater system.

Have at it. Make me laugh.

2007 Gunfighter Awards

Since I am all about award shows, I thought that I should host one of my own.  I figure that if the dopes in Hollywood can put one on, I can too... and for a lot less money.

The Gunfighter award is different than the awards that Hollywood tends to throw at each other.  I may give an award for best actor or actress, but it will be based on what I think... even if I didn't see the movie.  You see where I am going, right?  Like most things I blog about, this is just going to be the thoughts that come out of my little' ol Gunfighter brain.

The only downside to THIS award show is that there will be no spectacularly bad dresses or tuxedos on the red carpet.  On the good side, you don't have to see, hear, or even imagine anything about Ryan Seacrest.

Our first award is Villain of The Year:

Several people come to mind for this dubious award, but I am going to limit this to a person that I believe to be the most heinous guy in the American public is none other than Michael Vick.  You remember Mr Vick, I'm certain... the star quarterback for the National Football League's Atlanta Falcons?  Yeah, that's the guy.  Mr Vick, also known as No-Friend-Of-Man's-Best-Friend, was convicted on federal charges of animal cruelty stemming from a dog fighting operation that he ran on his Virginia property.

I have Mentioned Michael Vick in my blog in the recent past, but I can't ignore someone who has such an incredibly screwed up disconnect from right and wrong, that he would dispassionately kill a dog by hanging it by the neck.  Someone needs to give Michael Vick a history lesson about hanging innocents.

Don't-You-have-Better Sense Than That?

This award is for conspicuous bad judgement from someone that we SHOULD have reason to believe is capable of much better judgement.  This year's award goes to Senator Larry Craig, Republican of Idaho, for soliciting sex in a Minnesota airport men's room.  I mean, really, how stupid is that?  Senator Craig, by all report's is a loving family man, and a Conservative defender of American freedom, liberty, and values.  I am sure that all of that is true.  I am further certain that you have a hard time demonstrating said values by cruising for gay sex in a men's room!  No... I don't give a rabid rat's ass about Craig's sexuality... but I don't like hypocrites.  Neither do I particularly like members of the Senate to be convicted criminals.  There is something wrong here... if I were convicted of the same thing, I couldn't get a job in say.... law enforcement.  I probably couldn't even get into the Army... even with the new relaxed enlistment criteria.  Don't you think a man that has accomplished enough in his life to get himself elected to the U.S. Senate would have better sense?

American Hero of the Year: 

This award is for conspicuous bravery in the face of incredible scorn and hostility.  For braving antipathy, invasion of privacy and loss of livelihood in order to do the right thing, at great personal cost.  The two recipients of this year's American Hero awards are the two senior investigative officers in the Office of the Inspector General at the United States Department of State. 

When the disgraced Inspector General "Cookie" Krongard finally announced his resignation, which takes effect in mid-January, he left behind a wrecked investigative unit that tried to investigate fraud and malfeasance in the construction of the new American embassies in Kuwait and Baghdad.  Krongard intentionally blocked efforts to uncover criminal activity, and then, under oath, denied that he knew that his brother was on the board of Directors of Blackwater, USA... and I don't think I have to tell you about them and their involvement with the State Department.  So, there you are,  the 2007 American hero of the Year is jointly awarded to the two Senior Criminal Investigators whose names I won't mention.

Best Movie of The Year: 

High School Musical 2.  Sure, some people will laugh at the selection of that film, but I think it is deserving.  When everyone and there brother are making films in which legions of people are shot, beheaded, sawn in half or engaging in questionable personal habits, isn't it nice that  a movie is made... and is incredibly successful, that has no profanity, no gratuitous nudity or sex, and no violence.  The the movie is also kind of a cute story with good music is just icing on the cake.  High School Musical 2 is a family movie, it's time to embrace that concept again. 

Unintentional Starting Of A New Catchphrase:

Andrew Meyer, the University of south Florida student who was Tased during his disorderly conduct arrest during a political event.  Meyer was repeatedly warned during his resistance to arrest, and shortly before being tased, he shouted "During tase me, bro!".  Now, I am sure that many of you well-read and learned folks knew about this already, but I have to tell you that I never heard about this until 10 A.M. yesterday.  When I got back to the hotel, after eating pizza from Pizza Hut, and Googled the phrase... the response was amazing.  If you go to YouTube and search for "Don't Tase me, Bro!" and you will find all sorts of musical videos that incorporate the phrase... this one one is particularly funny.

Least-Talented Entertainer:

It's got to be Kid Rock.  There just isn't anything else to say... unless you say Jessica Simpson.

Unlamented Dead Celebrity:

Jerry Falwell, hands-down.

Least Deserving Republican Presidential Candidate:

All of them... their party thinks that invading Iraq was a good idea.  They can't be trusted with the responsibility of running our government.

Least Deserving Democratic Presidential Candidate:

Hillary Clinton... for the same reason as the Republican candidates, and for running, through her senior staff and surrogates a racist campaign.

Most Deserving Presidential candidate:

Dennis Kucinich.  Too bad most people won't listen to him.

Biggest Crackpot Presidential Candidate:

Ron Paul.  Sure he sounds reasonable, but dig a little deeper.  He's a crackpot, sure enough. 

Best Impression of Leonid Brezhnev (or Frankenstein)

Dick Clark, for his continued appearance on New Year's Rockin' Eve!  For God's sake, Dick, give it up.

Hottest Chick In Hollywood:

Salma Hayek.  Lord have mercy.

The Worst Lawyer In America:

Alberto Gonzalez.  Hey, 'Berto, you are supposed to UPHOLD the law when you are attorney general... not break it or twist it to suit your master's illegal purposes.

The Best Beer In America:

Stone Imperial Stout

The Best Bead Store in Virginia

More Than Just beads, New Town, Williamsburg, Virginia

Ok, that's enough awards for tonight... I have to go to sleep.

Happy New Year, everyone!

GF

Oh, and thanks for hosting me, once again, Fishy Girl!

****************************************

Gunfighter is a firearms instructor for a federal law enforcement agency, and lives, with his family, in Northern Virginia.  When he isn't blogging, he can be found teaching Sunday school, and doing a bajillion other things that husbands and dads normally do.  He regularly blogs at The View From Here.